


Feel

by kookspigtails



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Depression, Poetry, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 17:17:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18997057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kookspigtails/pseuds/kookspigtails
Summary: Just a poem about my struggle with depression and self harm that i wrote four years ago. Life gets better people





	Feel

Five  
Four  
Three  
Two  
One

There is silence  
So loud, it’s deafening to the ear  
Breathing shallow  
A room of mystery I am confined in  
Dark, yet  
Luminous and bright  
Small, yet  
Vast and empty  
Hot and cold,  
all at the same time

The sensation is new,  
But familiar  
I welcome it,  
Unsure

Then the images come,  
A wave full of fragments  
Of broken memories.  
Faces, objects, colours  
swirl together,  
creating a collage  
Lifting me,  
enveloping me  
In a cool summery breath of air

Then it is too cold  
A freezing,  
menacing wind  
whipping my face,  
And the pictures,  
scorning me  
with heartless expressions.

I will myself  
out of my mind,  
it's vivid depths  
Back to reality,  
Back to the blade  
that gives me an escape,  
a less hurtful journey

It cuts a cold prick,  
then heat,  
pouring from the open wound.

To count the seconds  
until  
the next red line  
helps me flee from the truth. 

Five  
four  
three  
two  
one

This time  
Voices, creeping  
Sighs,  
laughs,  
whispers,  
all taunting  
An invisible enemy  
One can only endure

They climb,  
entwining together  
An enticing form of sinful beauty  
And they make their slow approach

It twists and turns,  
trapping me in a warm embrace,  
lying,  
prying,  
heating my veins

Then I feel,  
immobilised  
As heat burns  
In my system  
Cold bathroom tiles  
sting bare skin

I am on fire,  
victim to the icy flame,  
burning strong in my gut  
in my head  
my arms  
wrists  
veins

I kneel  
place the sharp edge  
against the soft flesh  
take another swipe  
just break the barrier  
so bubbles of ruby  
and crimson  
drip 

And so,  
I am stripped of my shield,  
my shield of virtue,  
morals,  
promises

Embers fly from the new slice  
Crimson specks dot the tiles  
The pain distracts me  
From the knowledge  
that I have felt  
stuck  
For a long time

I do not know  
what love is  
anymore  
Or excitement,  
Or hope 

Hope  
Hope is a dream  
conjured by the naive mind of a child,  
hazed over  
with the idea of perfection  
ideals  
living dreams

It is not real  
Child, life is not as you imagined

But just to escape my life,  
to live  
as another,  
I will dream

I think I have  
Feathers,  
white and glowing.  
Soft,  
As the spring grass grows where I lie

Sweet,  
the sound of silence  
It stirs my insides  
my soul  
A precious moment  
Of joy,  
The scent of love blooming  
A moment  
That is not my own  
but I am selfish  
imagining to be another

I open my wings,  
spread them wide,  
Jump

Then,  
I fly  
I am airborne,  
of the wind  
And the moon,  
oh the moon,  
cascading its pool of light  
Onto my tear-stained face,  
I welcome into my arms

Then it falls,  
a feather, light  
and soft,  
caressing,  
falling with the flow of the warm red stream  
It stains the pale skin,  
the sink,  
Feeling  
bittersweet

But now,  
I am ok


End file.
